Memories and Hopes

lately, i'm feeling so gloomy. whatever happens, i am still me. why don't you try to understand me? sad memories  love to accompany me recently.

losing people who i cared. knowing people that i love suffers. i can't stand pretending i am not crying.

brother redzwan, why did you left me so early? when i was in year 6? why? u left me without saying anything to me. without i knew that you suffered brain cancer. without saying thank you to you. it did really hurt. but i know u'll be among the solihins. i've none of you pictures but the memories will always be in my mind. thanks to teach me the value of life. breathe into others.

syazwan asyraf. you are one of my bestest friend. i am sorry for not being so close to you. i am sorry for declining your invitation to study together. i miss you sketching smileys on my papers. i miss those smileys. so much. honestly, i feel so sad when you left us without saying goodbye. without saying anything to me. you know what. it took me a lot of effort to realise that you've left. you did hear what i said when i met you in the room ryte? i asked you to come back, to quarrel with me. and i saw you nodded. but why?

i am not wronging The Mighty One. i know His decision is the best. but i was really lost. just now, husna and i talked about you. we miss you friend. the moment we started to be close, i'll remember forever. the moment you changed your stand from agreeing with the statement to disagree with it, as that time, i was alone to defense my stand. thank you a lot. i know i was the first girl who you become really close with. you told me ryte? you told me, if it isn't me, you'll never have the confidence to talk to other girls. and i'm happy to see you get along with others. syazwan, you have seen me ryte in the ielts class? without you. i easily find my shoes. i win! yes! but i miss your presence.;( i pretended to be happy in front of our teachers showing that i was doing well without you. in chemistry class, there's no one to talk with anymore. i miss ms qila scolded us," dya, tak abis2 borak ngan syazwan" even though that time you asked me chem questions. i miss those moments. whenever we entered the class together, she said, " korang ni xabis2 dating, datang kelas pon sama-sama", the cause was we were from the same previous class right? don't you miss it? tell me.

whenever i do my presentation, i'll see you sitting there. cause i miss you interrupting my presentation. asking question. what i miss the most is when you said, " SPEAK UP DYA! YOU CAN DO IT" when it is my turn to do the speaking test. i waited for you to do your jokes but u never come back and i never do my jokes after that. i miss you really lot. not just me, our other friends also miss you.

the time you were in ICU, i really pray that you'll come back. i dreamed of you. i dreamed that you opened the ielts class door, and standing there. smiling to me. without saying anything. i believed, that was a hint from Allah that you'll come back. but Allah know best. thank you for willing to come in my dream. i really appreciated it. i know you'll watch us from there. i admitted that i am still not fully recovered from your leave. but i'll try harder not to weep again. i am sorry syazwan for weeping of this. i am really sorry.

abg cik. please stay strong. don't be weak. kakcik, zarin, anis, aisyah, ainul and me myself still need you. ya minta maaf sebab xdapat selalu jenguk abang cik. ya xdapat nak bantu abang cik tahan kesakitan abang cik. ya taw abang cik sakit sangat. for not being able to sleep well t night, severe headache at anytime. you look so thin nowadays. ya nak sgt abg cik sihat cam dulu. boleh kita main mercun. boleh kita borak2. abg cik. abg cik kuat kn? abg cik akan bertahan kan? ya yakin dengan Allah yg abg cik akan sembuh. ya nak abg cik ada time ya kahwin nanti. even you are only my brother-in-law, but i feel that you are my real brother. ya nak abang cik dan abah ada time ya kahwin. ya nak korg tengok anak ya plak. please yer. be there for me.

abah. ya sayang sangat kat abah. walaupun abah sakit da lama, ya still harap yg abah akan sembuh balik. abah taw kn yang ya sayang sgt2 kat abah? ya minta maaf sbb ya xpandai nak tunjuk yg ya sayangkan abah. kalau bley, ya nak peluk abah selalu cam ya kecik2 dulu. ya rindu abah bawak ya jalan2. belikan teddy bear paling besar utk ya. ya taw abah rasa abah xmampu bantu ibu. abah. ibu, ya, angah, adik dan alang semuanya sentiasa doakan abah sembuh balik. ya sedih sangat bile abah menitikkan air mata saat ya salam ngan abah before ya nak balik kolej. ya nak sangat abah dapat anta ya ke kolej. ya rindu abah datang ke majlis penyampaian hadiah ya. ya nak abah ada bersama ngan ibu. tengok ya kat atas pentas. ya sangat2 sayangkan abah. abah kena kuat! abah taw ya sayang abah. abah kena ada time ya nak kahwin. abah nak tengok anak ya kn? abah nak tengok ya kahwin kn? abah nak tengok ya berjaya kan? t abah akan tengok ya kahwin. ya nak abah tengok siapa suami ya nanti. abah akan restui kami berdua kan?

(i am typing this in tears. i am sorry. but i miss these guys )
please pray for my abah and abg cik too.

abah, abang cik. please be with me. i know both of you are strong. abah. you are my superhero. no one else. abang cik, you are my lifesaver. thank you.

syazwan, brother redzwan. do pray for me., i know you guys are watching me. i know you are with the solihins. have a nice journey there.